Stacking in Circles

It's the feeling that you're doing something wrong

That they don't think you belong

The feeling that you're not what everyone hoped you'd be

Not what you hoped you'd be

It's the knowledge of

It's missing what he said to you because you've noticed, once again, how sweet his eyes are.

It's missing the math lesson because you spent the block writing a poem

And it's so damn beautiful.

You just can't give it up

Your insides are twisted in knots and you don't understand the questions they're asking on page 406 of your textbook

And it's scattered and broken

Even though it hurts and even when you're wrong

It's the only happiness

Curiosity

He doesn't start as a flicker in the darkness

Or a single, tender seedling, poking through the soil

He is (and always will be) a bonfire, raging

A mass of rough vines, choking

A salty tsunami, drowning and crushing

Burning. 

And he will always be unsatisfied

The only part that frightens me

Is the fact that I am not frightened

To be the cat is not the worst fate.

Gym Notes

And then we were spinning

And then we were running

And the colors were so bright

So vivid, so thick

And then we were screaming

And I was holding her hand

And I couldn't remember ever laughing so hard

And I was being pulled under

And I was crawling on my knees

And then there was popcorn

1, 2, 3, GO

And we were there

Beneath the rainbow dome

And I was grabbing ankles

And they shook me awake.

Hell Week

Early morning rising

Wake up you sleepy girl

Dragging myself out of bed

I drain a bowl of cereal

It's music in the morning

And a little running

Windy days outside

Lacrosse, oh the screaming

Then I'm stuck in Biology

Soft, wrinkled skin and snouts

Piglets in breathless sleep

Edging forward into lunch time

After dissections though, my appetite wanes

Regina Spektor and the Emcee tiptoeing around those numbers

The equations and solutions in math class

The only time this week that anything makes sense

A definite answer, a method

I love it

And then study hall

Blue filter of daylight

That room's almost empty

And then it's time for rehearsal

Or, not quite

A gathering in the black box

Stretches

Then a patch of free time 

Waiting for dinner

Everyone's too noisy

Time to stand in a long line

For food purchased in bulk

And then I'm finished

I slip into my costume

And hurry upstairs

What a soft couch

Another patch of time

I am waiting ... waiting

Then rehearsal begins

Flashes of skin and sparkles

Unwilling feet pinched into too tight shoes

Cheers, tears, kisses

Freeze

Quiet in the wings

Clap for the orchestra

Hang up your costumes

And then there's more waiting

In the hallway

It's 10pm 

We climb into the car

City lights whiz by

Faces stare down at me from billboards

Snow Plows Dump Bodies

And sometimes I'm funny

And sometimes I'm mean

And sometimes I struggle to sort

The thoughts I feel from the words I say

In any case, I stumble through the side door of that house

Chip away at that library book that's way overdue

Then I flick off the light and sleep.

Math Notes

y is always the same

but tell me this,

how did you know?

so we're just doing the same thing we've always been doing

considering the fact you did it the wrong way round...it looks like this

did you get b=.5?

where are the intercepts?

let me show you,

wait

it doesn't matter what it is.

Ear Splinter

The song bird, quivering, straining over the pounding piano, the thunder.

The roar of stray thoughts, dancing, jumping

Fray of my mind

Crackle of static

She slips through and I succumb.

Biology Notes

The impulses of our hearts

Electric

Valves snap shut

Lub-dub, lub-dub

Blood rushes out

The voltage

Controlling the pace

Steady and slow

Or slipping up, tripping up

My heart's in a handbag

Oh, the headaches

Override it

Specifically numb

And for this?

Exhaustion

Mind Bruise

This expansive nothingness

Dark 

It's like trying to coat the night sky in sparkling jewels

Reenacting the sunsplashed daytime

I collect the budding night lights

Before I am defenseless in the silence

I take the joke in math class

A few smiles passed around in the hallways

Even that tap on the shoulder

I tuck them into my pocket and in the darkness they grow

Their positive energy multiplied

But it's not enough to smooth over the dark spots

At the end of the day with soft, warm glittering

When I lay me down to sleep

And pray the Lord, my soul to keep

The black seeps through

Soaking into my dreams and staining my pillow case

Will it ever cease?

The Breakfast Nook

It's funny how we urge time to hasten on,

And then it does.